Shannon Olson's "Bunny Theory" of Dating

One of my favorite books of recent past has been Shannon Olson's "Children of God Go Bowling." It is a perfect read for the late-twenties to thirtysomething-ish female who is besieged by reminders that her life is anything but normal. When it seems like everyone around is blossoming in marital bliss, owns a home, is having babies, blah blah blah, and yet in this march to adulthood, somehow you've been left behind... It is truly a hilarious and heartbreaking story of a semifictional woman (part autobiography) making "her life happen when it doesn't quite happen for her."

This particular passage came to mind last night when I was reflecting on recent problematic events in my own dating life:


I called my brother and told him about my date. Even though my brother had been married for almost ten years, he was still usually good about offering reassuring stories from what he called his "Frozen Burrito Days."

"I don't know," my brother said. "My experience of dating was that women were usually really timid and cautious.... and that the best thing to do was to back off a little and let them set the pace."

He called it his "Bunny Theory." Not all, but a lot of women were like rabbits: nervous because they had so often and so aggressively been pursued; and the best thing to do was to set the carrot in the grass and wait quietly. If they were interested, they'd come and check it out.

"I guess as an image that could be misinterpreted," he said.

"Right," I said. "But I get it."

Anyways, it seemed to him that instead of being patient, most guys would see the bunny in the grass and go, "BUNNY!" and start chasing after it, which was the cause of the whole problem in the first place.

"So, I just need to find the guy who won't shout 'BUNNY!,'" I said.

"It's a theory," said my brother.

Identifying details aside-- someone absolutely incredible has come into my life recently and I couldn't be more excited. We'll call him Mr. X. So, what's the problem?!? My damn overeagerness. I haven't seriously dated anyone in a while, mostly by choice (school, volunteering, work, family, etc = lack of time), partly because I wasn't finding anyone I actually wanted to date who felt the same way towards me. So when Mr. X and I hit it off (like "rocket blast-off" style hit it off!) I latched on like gorilla glue and immediately hit the fast-forward button to infinity. All of a sudden it was if we'd been together 6 months when technically we were still on date #3 (or #4?) Granted I wasn't alone in this venture (it does take two to tango, after all!) but I feel a lot of fault. I recognized what was happening and did nothing to stop it because I was loving every second of it. I figured that he must be OK since he was right there in it with me.

But, he wasn't OK. I found out after the fact that while I was surfing on that tidal wave of "new-relationship bliss," turns out Mr. X is still kind of doggie-paddling in a way, trying to get the hang of it. I was so far gone, I didn't even notice. And for that, Mr. X, from the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry.

What have I learned from all of this? More than anything , my impatient nature has been confirmed (just in case I'd missed that about myself!!) But now I've seen more than just the fact that I am impatient, now I recognize just how destructive it can be. Secondly, I've learned that it isn't just women who can be like Shannon Olson's "bunnies." When it comes to dating, I bet there are just as many guys out there who get scared off by women as there are the other way around. We'd probably all be better off being patient with those we adore.

And since patience doesn't come naturally to some (i.e. moi!) taking up a new hobby may be helpful. Personally, I've started home coffee bean roasting as a distraction :) Yes, I am now an official coffee snob. So, when Mr. X. comes "hopping out of the grass" so to speak, I'll have a kick-ass cup of joe waiting for him. More on that later....

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HOPE

Peace Activist Reverend William Sloane Coffin dies at 81. I know this is old news, but I was thinking about it today.

See NPR story.



"A true patriot is someone who maintains a lover's quarrel with his country."

A few nations have arrogated to themselves the right to build, own, threaten to use nuclear weapons while policing the world around them against their production. Well, nuclear apartheid will not succeed any more than racial apartheid succeeded in South Africa.

"Hope is a state of mind independent of the state of the world. So if your heart's full of hope, you can be persistent when you can't be optimistic; you can keep the faith despite the evidence- knowing that only in so doing has the evidence any chance of changing. So, while I'm not optimistic, I am always very hopeful."

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Horoscopes

So, I don't normally "buy" these things, I read them for fun (doesn't everyone!?!?!) They are ususally so vague and not exactly applicable, but this one from yesterday really gave me pause:


Leadership brings responsibility. When something goes wrong, there's no fairy godmother to make it all better. You're accontable for all of it, and that doesn't scare you one iota. This is your moment in the sun.

What is weird is that just Monday I got a phone call that I'd been selected as the student chair of a major interdisciplinary public health project at the Univ. of MN this fall. I had to fill out a whole huge application about my leadership qualities, send in a resume and cover letter and go through the interview process. Not only was I selected to be a team leader, I'm the head "boss lady" of all the other student team leaders. Funny thing is that I'm not scared or nervous, but more energized and excited.... just like the horoscope said. The math geek part of me says "well, duh, think about probablity... of course those horoscopes are going to be right some of the time." Which I know is true (hey, I watched MathNet on Square One!) But still, when it gets it that right, it makes me stop and think. And blog.... :) Be well. Time to go check on dinner.
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A Lesson in Letting Go

I was at yoga tonight, and towards the end we were doing "hip openers", in other words, really deep stretches for the hips, which can be stubborn buggers. The instructor said you really have to "let go" and to get into the stretch in order for the posture to really do any good. She commented that Kapotasana is "a lesson in letting go." I got to thinking about that. I've heard similar comments in class before, you have to "give in" to the stretch, that some poses are submissive, you have to surrender to gravity, etc… in order for the asana to be effective. It makes sense, really. If you hold back, you won't get that release of tension, that feeling that makes you go "aahhhh" that is so amazing. But I never really thought of the concept as a metaphor for life until tonight. In a lot of ways, you just have to learn to let go, or a) you'll injure yourself, or b) you'll hinder yourself from experiencing something really amazing. Of course there are times to fight for a posture, like the balancing series, or times to be strong and proud, like Virabhadrasana, and there are times like these in life as well. But sometimes, letting go of something will actually open doors and free you to experience even greater joys. But letting go, surrendering control to sink deep into an unknown-- that is scary. To let go of your failures, instead of letting them define you, means you have to find the courage to once again look forward and move on. To finally put to rest a relationship that is long over means you don't get to daydream about him anymore, idealize what was, or constantly size up potential mates next to him- knowing they will never be what he was, but also realizing they might be so much more. And it also means letting go of those that have hurt you, and not being allowed to use "damaged goods" as an excuse to explain why you're not "out there" again. Because beyond the failure, the regret, the pain and heartache, is something more, something different, that will feel so amazingly wonderful. You just have to trust yourself to go there. Click here to read more...