Sunday, June 10, 2007

Fear of Being Alone

When I was growing up, one of my greatest fears used to be that I'd "end up alone;" not physically alone of course, being isolated from the world and having no contact with people, but emotionally, spiritually, and psychically without a mate. It was one of those irrational fears that for some reason I kept coming back to, I used to cry myself asleep afraid that no one would ever, or could ever, love me "that" way. I figured it was one of those "raging hormone" teenage mood swings that really was without explanation, but sometimes I still wonder why I would think such a thing, and, perhaps more interestingly, if those deep-seeded fears have had an affect on me as an adult.


I witnessed my mom become a very strong woman, not by choice, but for her own sake and for that of her children, due to the progressively declining mental health and emotional stability of my father. What had been a partnership became a one-woman show. Somehow she got through it, but at times it deeply saddens me to think of all those years of hardship that she endured, without a partner. Granted, she was still married to my father then, but he wasn't present in the way a spouse is intended to be. That's the worst kind of lonely- the kind that you feel even when you're "with" someone. I witnessed this unfold in my junior high and high school years, though I didn't really understand until recently the possible implications these events may have had on my life.

I don't still carry those fears of truly ending up alone; whether or not I have any sort of "romantic" relationship in my life I know that I still have friends and family that I hold dear. Perhaps my fear now is of letting someone get too close, of letting myself become that vulnerable. I realize that this is not a unique fear, but I wonder if the way I come into it might be. My mother "survived" because her instinct of self-preservation kicked into overdrive. She had two young children that needed her and a partner who could no longer be counted on. Is my self-preservation instinct also on overdrive, but unnecessarily? Sometimes I wonder if I am really as "career-driven" as I think I am, or if I am just insuring myself a livelihood should my partner fall apart; or if my refusal to "actually" move in with a partner (as in not having an "back-up plan") stems from all of this. Consciously, or more likely not, life has taught me that the only person I am guaranteed to spend the rest of my life with is myself. It is extremely difficult for me to let anyone really take care of me. I wonder then, is my self-described identity of "fiercely independent, driven woman" really just a guise for my fear of being left alone?

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