On Turning 30

As I prepare to blow out thirty candles on my birthday cake later today, I am re-reading a Carolyn Hax advice column about this milestone birthday that I cut out years ago. The reader writes:

"I'm turning 30 today. So far I've cried four or five times... all before noon. Just about every time someone says 'Happy Birthday' I get all cringy inside and try to smile. I lose the smile when they start making age jokes, 'Only 21 today, right?!??! ha ha ha' (Is screaming allowed?)

I want to be happy, I want to see this as a great new beginning... but what about all those things I though I'd have accomplished by now? Does no one care that I'm disapponted in where I am in my life at this point? (i.e., single, OK but low-paying job, no degree.) Is this normal or am I overreacting to this milestone birthday?"

Carolyn says: You are overreacting to this milestone birthday. Of course people care, but this is "Whee, cake," not "Tell me about your childhood." Besides, as a measure of achievement, age is strictly artificial.

Disappointment in yourself, though, is ageless, and you're not overreacting to that. Whether you're 13 or 103, letting yourself down can feel like one of the hardest bad moods to shake.

Practically, though, it's one of the easiest, because it's all on you. Don't have a degree? Get thee to night school. Don't like your job? Ask for new responsibilities, or update your resume, or see above about night school. Want people to care about you? Show you care about yourself by doing something about where you are in your life-- besides cringing.

Single? Irrelevant. Staying happily married is a feat, I suppose, but getting married in itself is no accomplishment. Making good decisions, dealing with bad ones, resisting outside pressure, moving at your own speed, overcoming fear, growing up, facing your faults-- these are accomplishments. If they find you married, so be it. If they find you single, so be it.

And just as age is no mark of worth, birthdays are no measure of beginnings (or middles or ends). Your beginning will be the day you take on your malaise. "Now" has a ring to it, no?

I originally cut this out before I even really understood most of what Carolyn wrote about. Through the years, I've turned to it as a sort of tangible "reality check". The part about being single is especially helpful, given I've been in and out of my share of relationships, never failing to be disappointed and hurt. It helps to be reminded that the simple act of getting married is not the accomplishment, rather it is the building and maintaining of a relationship that endures that is to be celebrated. It also helps to be reminded that in the grand scheme of things, there is no "done"; we are always evolving, changing, growing, learning, etc. Saying to ourselves, "I'll be happier when..." or "my life will be better when..." not only puts undue pressure on us but also robs us of enjoying the life that is happening in the present. As someone once said to me "Life always shows up"; in other words, if you're waiting for life to begin after you finish your degree/get married/get divorced/lose those extra pounds/buy a house-- something else will come along that will get in your way. Happiness can be an attitude that you can slip in and out of without any impetus at all except your own will; rather than waiting for a reason to be happy, choose to be happy and the reasons will follow. Click here to read more...