Trying to Crave Vegetables

It’s been said that the area of the brain that responds to love and passion is not dissimilar from that part of the brain that houses addiction. I can attest to the verity of this statement. I have never been addicted to alcohol, drugs or cigarettes. But I have met my drug, in the form of a human male. Just like candy and sweets, I know he’s bad for me but I still crave him deeply. Men are not unlike food in a lot of ways. I *know* I should eat vegetables, fruits, protein and whole grains for my own best health & well-being, but I still desire the decadence and richness of chocolate, simple carbohydrates and refined sugar. Some days, the longer I go without my sin, the easier it becomes, until that one inevitable day that my strength wanes. I want that taste in my mouth, knowing that as soon as I taste it, I will want more of it, and that even after I have eaten, my hunger will not stay sated for very long.

I try to resist the craving, to do the “right” thing, to remind myself that he will only bring pain and heart ache once he’s loved me and left me yet again, but that doesn’t stop the yearning. If I allow my mind to wander, in a split second I can recreate him- his kiss, soft and gentle before yielding to urgency and passion, drinking me in with each hot breath; his desire, matching mine; his warm embrace, his hands caressing my back, my thighs, my face as he lets out soft moans of pleasure, his beautiful brown eyes inches from mine, and finally, his breath on my neck as he curls his body behind me, holding my hands and pulling me close against him. But these mental images don’t warm my bed or fight off loneliness.

Life as I knew it was over after him. And it was over again after the second time we were together. Now that I know the possibility of him, nothing else suffices. I try to want what is good for me. I try to crave vegetables. I try to have feelings for someone who is more “sensible”. But it is doesn’t work.

I know that one cannot live on chocolate alone. Is there another side to him that would sustain me? If only he would let me find out. Like any drug, you worry about running out. You have anxiety that it won’t be there anymore when you need it most. You’re afraid to really enjoy it because you know it won’t last forever. As it turns out, he did that. Disappeared.
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