Sunday, February 27, 2011

Inner Peace (relationally speaking anyways)

I went to breakfast this morning with a good friend who also happens to be an ex. How that works, and how we can manage to still be so close is another post entirely; for now, I'll just say that since we broke up, he has been one of my biggest cheerleaders when it comes to relationships. He wants me to be happy but will also give it to me straight when someone isn't treating me right and I'm too blind to see it. He's that guy who will tell a gal pal "you deserve better," then follow it with a big bear hug and likely a few tears shed when you realize he's right. My current boyfriend and I have been together just shy of 3 months but have lived together since before our first "real" date. Not a usual sequence of events, but somehow it has worked. So naturally at breakfast, Claude asked me how things were going, and if I thought this was "the" guy. I was a little taken aback by the question, since Claude doesn't usually go down such sentimental roads, but also because I was surprised to find myself not stumbling for a response. "Yeah, I think so," I said, as calmly as if he'd asked me about the weather. But, why was I so at ease? 'Twas a pretty hefty question he asked me, after all And I've been as guilty as anyone when it comes to worrying about finding Mr. Right, walking down the primrose aisle and arriving exactly on schedule to "the rest of my life." But lately I haven't really given it much thought. Maybe I've just been too busy between shifts at the hospital, clinical rotations and other grad school course work to worry much about it. But I don't think that's it, because when I'm really honest with myself, I will tell you that I absolutely have big dreams about sharing my life with this man. I have so many ideas of places I want to show him and adventures I want us to have. It's just that this time around, there doesn't seem to be that usual sense of urgency about any of it. My heart simply brims with a brilliant calm energy when I think about the two of us. Maybe I've finally figured out that things rarely happen when or how you want them to, and if I just relax and let go, everything will work out fine. Maybe I realized that I'm a pretty rad lady and whether I "have a man" in my life or not does not define my worth as a person. Maybe I finally realized that my life is already happening right now and I should stop worrying so much about searching for "someone special", and then, as if on cue, he came along. (Damn all those people who say "you don't find love, it finds you" for being right!)

So, the question then, is, where does that leave this blog? Heretofore, this has been primarily an outlet for my relational frustrations, a place for my broken heart to cry, but I've tired of this line of writing and need a new direction. Perhaps then, I shall write about my newest endeavor: bike racing, in all it's glory and aches and pains...

Stay tuned...
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