Shannon Olson's "Bunny Theory" of Dating

One of my favorite books of recent past has been Shannon Olson's "Children of God Go Bowling." It is a perfect read for the late-twenties to thirtysomething-ish female who is besieged by reminders that her life is anything but normal. When it seems like everyone around is blossoming in marital bliss, owns a home, is having babies, blah blah blah, and yet in this march to adulthood, somehow you've been left behind... It is truly a hilarious and heartbreaking story of a semifictional woman (part autobiography) making "her life happen when it doesn't quite happen for her."

This particular passage came to mind last night when I was reflecting on recent problematic events in my own dating life:


I called my brother and told him about my date. Even though my brother had been married for almost ten years, he was still usually good about offering reassuring stories from what he called his "Frozen Burrito Days."

"I don't know," my brother said. "My experience of dating was that women were usually really timid and cautious.... and that the best thing to do was to back off a little and let them set the pace."

He called it his "Bunny Theory." Not all, but a lot of women were like rabbits: nervous because they had so often and so aggressively been pursued; and the best thing to do was to set the carrot in the grass and wait quietly. If they were interested, they'd come and check it out.

"I guess as an image that could be misinterpreted," he said.

"Right," I said. "But I get it."

Anyways, it seemed to him that instead of being patient, most guys would see the bunny in the grass and go, "BUNNY!" and start chasing after it, which was the cause of the whole problem in the first place.

"So, I just need to find the guy who won't shout 'BUNNY!,'" I said.

"It's a theory," said my brother.

Identifying details aside-- someone absolutely incredible has come into my life recently and I couldn't be more excited. We'll call him Mr. X. So, what's the problem?!? My damn overeagerness. I haven't seriously dated anyone in a while, mostly by choice (school, volunteering, work, family, etc = lack of time), partly because I wasn't finding anyone I actually wanted to date who felt the same way towards me. So when Mr. X and I hit it off (like "rocket blast-off" style hit it off!) I latched on like gorilla glue and immediately hit the fast-forward button to infinity. All of a sudden it was if we'd been together 6 months when technically we were still on date #3 (or #4?) Granted I wasn't alone in this venture (it does take two to tango, after all!) but I feel a lot of fault. I recognized what was happening and did nothing to stop it because I was loving every second of it. I figured that he must be OK since he was right there in it with me.

But, he wasn't OK. I found out after the fact that while I was surfing on that tidal wave of "new-relationship bliss," turns out Mr. X is still kind of doggie-paddling in a way, trying to get the hang of it. I was so far gone, I didn't even notice. And for that, Mr. X, from the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry.

What have I learned from all of this? More than anything , my impatient nature has been confirmed (just in case I'd missed that about myself!!) But now I've seen more than just the fact that I am impatient, now I recognize just how destructive it can be. Secondly, I've learned that it isn't just women who can be like Shannon Olson's "bunnies." When it comes to dating, I bet there are just as many guys out there who get scared off by women as there are the other way around. We'd probably all be better off being patient with those we adore.

And since patience doesn't come naturally to some (i.e. moi!) taking up a new hobby may be helpful. Personally, I've started home coffee bean roasting as a distraction :) Yes, I am now an official coffee snob. So, when Mr. X. comes "hopping out of the grass" so to speak, I'll have a kick-ass cup of joe waiting for him. More on that later....

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HOPE

Peace Activist Reverend William Sloane Coffin dies at 81. I know this is old news, but I was thinking about it today.

See NPR story.



"A true patriot is someone who maintains a lover's quarrel with his country."

A few nations have arrogated to themselves the right to build, own, threaten to use nuclear weapons while policing the world around them against their production. Well, nuclear apartheid will not succeed any more than racial apartheid succeeded in South Africa.

"Hope is a state of mind independent of the state of the world. So if your heart's full of hope, you can be persistent when you can't be optimistic; you can keep the faith despite the evidence- knowing that only in so doing has the evidence any chance of changing. So, while I'm not optimistic, I am always very hopeful."

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Horoscopes

So, I don't normally "buy" these things, I read them for fun (doesn't everyone!?!?!) They are ususally so vague and not exactly applicable, but this one from yesterday really gave me pause:


Leadership brings responsibility. When something goes wrong, there's no fairy godmother to make it all better. You're accontable for all of it, and that doesn't scare you one iota. This is your moment in the sun.

What is weird is that just Monday I got a phone call that I'd been selected as the student chair of a major interdisciplinary public health project at the Univ. of MN this fall. I had to fill out a whole huge application about my leadership qualities, send in a resume and cover letter and go through the interview process. Not only was I selected to be a team leader, I'm the head "boss lady" of all the other student team leaders. Funny thing is that I'm not scared or nervous, but more energized and excited.... just like the horoscope said. The math geek part of me says "well, duh, think about probablity... of course those horoscopes are going to be right some of the time." Which I know is true (hey, I watched MathNet on Square One!) But still, when it gets it that right, it makes me stop and think. And blog.... :) Be well. Time to go check on dinner.
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A Lesson in Letting Go

I was at yoga tonight, and towards the end we were doing "hip openers", in other words, really deep stretches for the hips, which can be stubborn buggers. The instructor said you really have to "let go" and to get into the stretch in order for the posture to really do any good. She commented that Kapotasana is "a lesson in letting go." I got to thinking about that. I've heard similar comments in class before, you have to "give in" to the stretch, that some poses are submissive, you have to surrender to gravity, etc… in order for the asana to be effective. It makes sense, really. If you hold back, you won't get that release of tension, that feeling that makes you go "aahhhh" that is so amazing. But I never really thought of the concept as a metaphor for life until tonight. In a lot of ways, you just have to learn to let go, or a) you'll injure yourself, or b) you'll hinder yourself from experiencing something really amazing. Of course there are times to fight for a posture, like the balancing series, or times to be strong and proud, like Virabhadrasana, and there are times like these in life as well. But sometimes, letting go of something will actually open doors and free you to experience even greater joys. But letting go, surrendering control to sink deep into an unknown-- that is scary. To let go of your failures, instead of letting them define you, means you have to find the courage to once again look forward and move on. To finally put to rest a relationship that is long over means you don't get to daydream about him anymore, idealize what was, or constantly size up potential mates next to him- knowing they will never be what he was, but also realizing they might be so much more. And it also means letting go of those that have hurt you, and not being allowed to use "damaged goods" as an excuse to explain why you're not "out there" again. Because beyond the failure, the regret, the pain and heartache, is something more, something different, that will feel so amazingly wonderful. You just have to trust yourself to go there. Click here to read more...

Craving

Have you ever had a desire so deep and for so long that pretty soon you forget what it was to begin with, and all that is left is an unshakable sense of loss? For the past couple of days I feel like I have been walking around unwhole somehow, but I can't explain why. What is missing? Has it been that long since I "checked in" with myself that I no longer recognize that a part of me has gone astray? Or is it something so subtle that I simply didn't notice? Or, rather, is it not that something is missing, but something has changed? I hate these feelings of ambivalent absence.

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Al Gore, Zen parables, and renewed inspiration

Ever since I saw Al Gore speak at a Planned Parenthood event last November, I've had a renewed sense of reverence and admiration for the man; a respect that goes beyond politics and wistfully wishing he was President, but more of a sense of pride for what he has become. The events surrounding the 2000 elections were intense, humiliating, immensely public and heart-breaking. For anyone to come back from that, and in the incredible way that Mr. Gore has, is nothing short of amazing. Here's a man who was laughed off the stage of politics, who has now risen ABOVE such political silliness to devote his time and energy to something that he has cared so deeply about for so many years. And it has paid off, with an Oscar in hand and a Nobel Peace Prize on the horizion. Rather than "get back on the horse that threw him," now he rides an elephant.

That's a fitting enough image. I just came across this Zen parable:

A monk sits cross-legged in the midlde of the road, meditating on existence. A powerful insight consumes him: He and the Universe are One. He intuits further that the Universe, being One, would never harm itself. And as long as he stays connected, he too will never come to harm. During this timeless thought, he feels the ground shaking. He looks up and sees an elephant walking down the very road on which he sits. He smiles inwardly and continues to meditate. As the animal draws closer, he opens his eyes again. A man is standing on the back of the elephant, waving his arms and yelling, "Get out of the road! Get out of the road!" Completely confident in his realization, he returns to his meditation. The elephant squashes him. As he lies there hemorrhaging to death, he calls out, "How did this happen? I don't understand." His Zen master comes out of the ditch, and says, "Didn't you hear me tell you to get out of the road?"

Let's not be that monk. Listen to the man riding the elephant.

"If we believe that we can create our own reality, if we believe that the instruments of mass persuasion are more important than the truth, and that we can use the mass media and the influences over those who guard the gateways to it, in lieu of trying to conform policies and decisions to the best evidence, then we invite trouble." -Al Gore, November 2006

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Unrequited lust of days gone by

One from the "vault" for your reading pleasure. Identifying details changed, of course, it is highly unlikely the person this was written about will ever read these words...

I knew from the moment I met you that there was something there. It surprised me, yet calmed me. I knew that I couldn't leave the Café without trying a little bit harder. Something beyond myself drove me to levels of brazenness I haven't ever visited before.
I enlisted your friend, in hopes that some extra influence might drive you to overcome your shyness and pick up the phone. You did, and we went out for dinner.

I remember the details of that night as if it just happened. It was Monday September 12th, 2005. The restaurant was perfect, quiet, just the right amount of "background noise", candelight, corner booth, away from the crowd. We shared a bottle of merlot from Washington, and ordered crimini mushrooms, roast beef with caramelized red onions, chicken leg with basil pesto, asparagus and seared raw tuna with wasabi. It was all incredible tasty, but my perception of the culinary talent of the chef was most likely influenced by the company I was dining with...

Your eyes danced in the candlelight… they sparkled beautiful blue and their gaze seemed to never leave my own. I could make love to you just by looking into your eyes. Words escape me as I desperately try to capture all the magic of that evening. I fell for you before we even got the check. Alas, I had only one night with you; one lousy, incredible night. There was palpable chemistry between us; when we touched for that first time, when our hands grazed across each other as we sat on your couch talking, it was as if a surge of electricity pulsed through my body. I know you must have felt it too- I saw the look in your eyes after we touched- a look of shock, yet calm, and desire; a kind of "what do I do now?" look. Wanting more, yet not wanting to offend. Your kisses were so passionate; there was that perfect combination of insatiable desire and gentle tenderness, a powerful recipe for bliss whose absence will haunt me for many nights to come. Your touch brought me to levels of delight that I have never before known. Such pleasure, such passion is more than mere manifestation of desires of the flesh; more than chemical signals eliciting physiological responses; our souls, our spirits, that which makes us human, were dancing that night. I am as certain of this as I am of my own name; what I don't know is how such a powerful connection could have occurred after we had been together for such a short while. I have no other explanation than to leave this to being one of life's mysteries. I've learned not to question these things when they happen, but simply to embrace them for what they are.

So many circumstances came together at just the right moment for us to have met and spend that night together. Was it an anomoly of nature? Perhaps it was, and maybe even one of the best nights of my life.

And maybe that's all it was meant to be as much as I wished for more.

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TV Appearance

So, I'm a little late getting this posted, but I was interviewed on a local news program a couple of weeks ago. Enjoy! Go to the link and click on "video". There is some ad first, the clip is after that.

http://kare11.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=133974
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Response/Ability

Response/ability
by Bernard Gunther

the game we play
is let's pretend
and pretend
we're not
pretending

we choose to
forget
who we are
and then forget
that we've
forgotten

who are we really?



the center
that watches
and runs the show
that can choose
which way
it will go

the I AM
consciousness
that powerful
loving perfect
reflection
of the cosmos

but in our attempt
to cope with
early situations
we chose or were
hypnotized into
a passive position

to avoid
punishment
or the loss of love
we chose to deny
our response/ability

pretending that
things just
happened
or that we were
being controlled
taken over

we put ourselves
down
and have become
used to this
masochistic
posture

this weakness

this indecisiveness

but we are
in reality
free
a center
of cosmic energy

your will
is your power

don't pretend
you don't have it

or you won't.
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Since When am I "Pre-Pregnant"?

Last month the Washington Post reported on new federal guidelines which ask all females capable of conception to treat themselves-- and to be treated by the health care system-- as "pre-pregnant", apart from whether they plan to get pregnant anytime soon or not.
In theory, the goal in creating these guidelines was to emphasize the importance of managing risk factors prior to pregnancy and to increase public awareness of the importance of preconception health.

At first glance, these concerns seem valid, as so much vital development occurs between conception and the time a pregnancy is confirmed. Indeed, the notion of preconception care is nothing new. Most of these guidelines are already well known to pregnant women and those seeking to become pregnant.

The problem, however, lies in the fact that they are to be universally applied to women. The very idea that every woman, regardless of her own reproductive plans, is simply a vehicle for birth reinforces unjust stereotypes that women's rights movements have worked so hard to crumble. Have I had "pre-pregnant" stamped across my forehead since puberty and have somehow failed to notice all these years?


The article does state that "experts acknowledge that women with no plans to get pregnant in the near future may resist preconception care", but this feeble concession hardly makes up for the dehumanizing nature of these guidelines.

Authors of the guidelines and supporting organizations (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology, the March of Dimes, and the National Center on Birth Defects and Developmental Disabilities) justify the new guidelines by pointing to the fact that nearly half of all pregnancies in the United States are unplanned and that the U.S. infant mortality rate is higher than those of most other industrialized nations.

While this does raise concern, it seems to me that a more appropriate response is to try to find the answer to the question "WHY?", rather than apply a band-aid to the situation.
Why is it that so many pregnancies in this country are unplanned? Could it be the absence of medically accurate sex education in schools? Perhaps lack of funding for family planning programs is a factor. Do the FDA delays in granting over-the-counter status to emergency contraception play a role?

Is anyone in Washington asking these questions?

While these new guidelines seek to address a very real problem, the method chosen demonstrates once again how this administration is using federal agencies to further its own conservative social agenda while failing to provide any concrete solution for the citizens it supposedly serves. Click here to read more...

Meeting Geena Davis

This past Friday I was had the privilege of attending the welcome dinner and reception of the Minnesota Go Run Political Leadership Training conference. I was there on behalf of Planned Parenthood, where I'm interning this summer in the Public Affairs department. The woman I work with there thought this might be a good first assignment for me. Little did I know the evening would involve a brush with fame too!

This weekend-long leadership training event was sponsored by the White House Project, a national, nonpartisan, not-for-profit organization which aims to advance womens leadership in all communities and sectors, up to the U.S. Presidency (hence the name of the organization.) They strive to support women and the issues that allow women to lead in their own lives and in the world (hence why I was there with Planned Parenthood.)

At first the evening seemed like a typical conference welcome reception: cocktail hour in the lobby, opening remarks from the organizer, a musical performance by a local singer/songwriter, and buffet dinner followed by keynote speaker.

Except the keynote speaker was Geena Davis.

In a way, she is a logical choice. Not just because she is a celebrity and plays the President on TV, but because she embraces the role so whole-heartedly and actively supports the advancement of women into leadership positions. The character she portrays is fictional of course, but it is just real enough to make us take pause. That moment in one of the early episodes, when she walked around the oval office alone for the first time, truly realizing I am the first female president of the United States inspired awe and sent chills down my spine.

Hopefully the moment will come that some woman will have those thoughts in the real oval office, not in the TV set version. Fulfilling that goal is what the White House Project and the weekend training was all about.

The rest of the conversation between Ms. Davis and Marie Wilson, the President of the White House Project, was entertaining and inspirational, covering a whole range of topics, from why women dont run for office, becoming comfortable being in positions of authority, and learning to reframe questions to finding the courage to lead and trying to explain why it has taken this long to get a woman to the White House. (To which my favorite response was because we dont have the political will to be a democracy.)

After dinner we adjourned to the piano bar for desserts and a reception of Minnesota womens, cultural and political organizations. There I was, doing my thing handing out literature and signing people up for Planned Parenthoods email list, when here comes Geena Davis stopping by my table while making the rounds. I was really impressed that she stuck around after her required commitment of the dinner discussion to talk to ordinary local women about their issues, their goals, what office theyre running for or which organization they represent. She is truly a lovely, articulate and gracious woman- who now has a Stand Up for Choice! sticker from me! If only I'd had my camera...

Now if only all my weekends could start out like that!
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SXSW 2006 in a nutshell

The long overdue commentary:

At this point it seems almost irrelevant to be blogging about SXSW, but it was such an incredible time I can't let it go unspoken about! It was serious rejuvenation and major refueling for my over-studied mind!

I flew to Austin on Wednesday, getting into town early enough to catch most of that night's fun. I still remember seeing 6th street for the first time- a complete whirlwind of excitement; there was a palpable buzz in the air, felt by the music industry people and music lovers alike. We tried to get in to see Jose Gonzalez, to no avail, so we hit up Emo's and saw Field Music, Serena Manesh, and Of Montreal, then we zipped over to Parish and finished out the night with Art Brut (who just played tonight at the 7th Street Entry, which I was unfortunately unable to go to!) Poured ourselves into bed around 3 am.

Thursday came all too quickly. We rose and were off seeking beverage and entertainment, which we found at our hometown radio station's gig on the 18th floor of the Capital Place hotel. In a nondescript conference room Mary Lucia was broadcasting live for all you back home to get in on the fun. We saw live "in studio" performances by Nicolai Dunger and one of this year's "buzz bands" Editors. She even asked front man Tom Smith about his mum's scrapbooking. Now that girl has balls to make the boy blush live on air! Gotta love her. Most cool of all was running into Eddie from Art Brut on a random street corner on our way to the next bit of fun. Very cool guy, told him we really enjoyed the show, made some small talk. Love it when the musicians are nice, normal people, not all bratty and full of themselves.

That evening's official SXSW shows were a raucous good time. We started off the night with a little alt country in the stylings of Carolyn Mark at Nuno's upstairs, then took a slow walk through downtown over to our next venue so we could catch Gomez and Nickle Creek. Before they went on we caught the end of Fiery Furnaces and Dresden Dolls. Never had so much fun at a concert as I did seeing Gomez and NC. Awesome performances, right up front feeling the music. Once again bedtime was very late.

Day three, Friday. Daytime extravaganza was killer. We dragged ourselves out of bed to make it to a 10:30 performance by Jose Gonzalez since we'd missed him on Wednesday night; it was definitely worth the lost sleep. After breakfast we hit the Pitchfork mag party for goodies and free beer and busted our guts laughing to the comedian hosting the event, Patton O. And what do you know, good ole Jose is playing there too! This guy just doesn't stop! Even better, I got him to call a girlfriend who wasn't able to make it and had really wanted to see him. She loved that voicemail! We found another party at the Mean-Eyed Cat where we celebrated St. Patty's day with free beer and bbq and the tunes of Dirty Pretty Things among others.

Friday night official performances were a bit disappointing. Tried to get in to see Editors, but all the buzz made that impossible; lines were down the block. So, we headed out to La Zona Rosa for the other buzz band, the Arctic Monkeys. I got in, only to be disappointed, so much so that I left halfway through and reunited with my group at the Pecan Street Ale House. We finished out the night with a fun performance by the London-based Irish band Neck.

The final day of SXSW came and we embraced it. It had been an overwhelming three nights, but we were determined to make the best of the last day and night. After loading up the PT cruiser for the long drive home, we headed into town. On the advice we'd received from fellow music lovers and SXSW attendees, we sought out the Yard Dog record store for (more!) free beer and lunch, and performances by Chantam County Line, Tres Chicas and Billy Bragg. Gotta love that! We chilled for a bit in this fun neighborhood known as South Congress, then hung out at the Spider House coffee shop where we were entertained with a performance by the Minneapolis-based band Birthday Suits. After some dinner, it was back downtown for one final night, sigh….

We kicked off the evening at Stubb's BBQ with a local Austin band called What Made Milwaukee Famous, who definitely know what they're doing. Might check them out this summer when they tour the Midwest. Following WMMF, we had the awesome (and incredibly sexy!) Rhett Miller of the Old 97's. What an experience that was, I finally know why people like to be feet away from the stage! After Rhett, we headed over to the Blender Bar to catch the Norwegian band, The Jessica Fletchers. And, finally, we finished out the experience at Exodus with a performance by Nine Black Alps.

After a quick stop at Whataburger, we hit the road for the l….o…..n…..g…. drive home back to Mpls.

Overall, it was a truly unique experienced. I got a crash course in indie rock, I met musicians, industry folk, and music lovers of all kinds, and had one of the best spring breaks of my life. Click here to read more...

packin' my bags...

In less than 24 hours I will be in Austin TX, brew in hand, listening to what will be only the beginning of some very kick-ass tunes at SXSW. What a week it has been, I'll spare you the details, but this little getaway is a long-awaited reprieve.... stay tuned for what promises to be a raucous good time!
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Grocery Store Adventures

Does anybody else have random conversations with other shoppers when they go to the grocery store, or is that a "Minnesota nice" phenomenon?Today, I actually had TWO conversations. One was in the produce section when I helped an elderly woman identify produce (she was trying to buy fennel.) Don't you just love that? I remember the first time I had to buy leeks-- I had no idea what they even looked like. The other one was in the bulk foods section where another shopper and I discussed oatmeal. I prefer quick oats, whereas he prefers the kind you have to cook. Then we talked about what we put in our oatmeal- blueberries for him, dried cranberries and vanilla for me. What a great idea he says- and runs off to go find some for himself. All this exchange happening in a matter of seconds. I may never see these two people again in my entire life, but who knows how our paths may have been altered by that brief encounter. To this day, I still tell the story about the woman in the Parisien grocery store six years ago who helped me buy ingredients to bake a birthday cake for a friend. I will never forget her kindness in what was then a frightening and unfamiliar world to me. In stark contrast, also at the store today was youngish guy with his iPod ear buds shoved in his ears, existing in his own mind, disconnected from the world, blocking other shoppers and completely oblivious to their requests to please let them pass by. I know it is only grocery shopping, but what a metaphor it could be for life. My experience brings a grin to my face- I love that kind of stuff, human interaction in its rawest form. I feel engaged in the world, a part of what is happening, rather than a passive observer. Then there is iPod man, stuck in his own little world, not even paying attention to what is going on (not to mention probably damaging his ears!) Which do you choose? Click here to read more...

Bring back the gridlock

So I was listening to Fresh Air on NPR (I know, such a nerd) and the guest made this comment about the good old days of government gridlock. huh, you say? His point was the fact that this president has yet to veto a single bill put before him by congress really makes you wonder. That's what balance of power is all about. This government was designed such that any one branch does not have absolute control. So, maybe gridlock is actually a sign of a healthy balanced government, when one party can't just "get away" with anything they want, and true bipartisan cooperation will actually happen. Click here to read more...