Abstractly Me

My artist friend Doug Pexa just posted this drawing of me on his website, based off some photos I posted on his online artist collaborative, the Figure Drawing Factory. See more of his work on his website: http://www.pexa-artstudios.com/index.html Click here to read more...

Of Love and Consternation: The Sticky Business of Friendship with Exes

I recently read an interesting advice column by Carolyn Hax regarding the sticky issue of friendship with exes in relationships. This particular issue is hitting home with me of late, but from a different angle than the one she addresses in the column. I am not currently in a relationship where I need to worry about the impact my choices in social companions makes on a significant other, rather I am the female friend of an ex whose current girlfriend is uncomfortable with our close friendship. I was the “in-between” relationship with regard to Eric and Jennifer, i.e. they’d broken up after dating for a significant time period and even contemplated marriage at one point; Eric and I met about a year and a half later and subsequently dated for about 6 months, we broke up and they have now since reunited. After a “time-out” period for grieving and heart-healing, Eric and I have, at his urging, worked through the issues surrounding our break-up and managed to move on and forge quite an enjoyable friendship, a first for me. Before long, I was buying him a celebratory soy chai latte after he was awarded Teacher of the Year, and he was listening to my work frustrations over beers at one of our favorite pubs, things good friends do, and all was apparently well. While I don’t get to spend as much time with him as I did when we were dating, the time we do find to hang out is superbly entertaining and pleasurable. I try not to treat Jennifer as the “elephant in the room” when we get together (it should be noted that I’ve never met her); we have plenty of other things to discuss without my explicitly asking about her, but I also recognize that she is a major part of his life now, and she will come up. And sometimes, for the sake of reinforcing reality (for my own continual healing) and trying to be a supportive friend, I do directly ask how things are going, how the house hunting is progressing, etc (they plan to sell their respective homes and purchase one together.) It takes conscientious effort and a lot of honesty to maintain such an arrangement, but we seemed to be making it work… until last Sunday. We were having dinner before I had to go to work and something about the whole evening seemed “off.” As I was pressed for time, I didn’t bring it up just then, and I left the restaurant feeling very cross. I later wrote him a general “is everything ok?” email, mentioning that something seemed wrong and I just wanted to “check in”. He writes back that no, nothing is wrong, “I’m just sensitive about talking about issues surrounding Jennifer with you because of consternation and I know Jennifer doesn’t really like it when I talk about spending time with you so I minimize that as well.” That doesn’t much sound like “nothing” wrong to me.

And thus I am at an impasse. I already lost this man once to Jennifer when he decided to end our romantic relationship in order to give theirs another try, it would be unbearable to lose him to her again because she objects to our friendship. On the other hand, love involves sacrifice… am I to be the sacrifice Eric makes for the sake of their relationship? Am I to dutifully step aside out of love for my friend so that he might have a successful relationship with the woman he’s chosen? Or would that only serve to reinforce unfounded insecurity and jealousy (?) on Jennifer’s part and solve nothing? Would it be helpful if I met Jennifer and took away the mystery of me, plead my case, somehow “proved” that I’m not out to steal Eric or sabotage their relationship? Am I asking too much to have the same depth of friendship with Eric that we’ve previously had even though Jennifer is now part of the equation? Am I violating something by asking about their relationship? Is there some unwritten rule that exes do not discuss current relationships with each other?

All I know is this: I love Eric profoundly, as I do all my closest friends, of both genders. I am a better person because he is in my life; all I want is for him to stay there. I am struggling with this. Is it wrong of me to not want a conditional friendship, some weird version of a relationship where he explicitly excludes a major part of his life from me, as well as to know that such a friendship could very likely be the cause of distress in his relationship? Or, is this something that will just take a while to adjust to; the insecurity of a “new” (or in their case, “re” new) relationship will fade over time?

I am really bothered by all of this- I hope Eric and I get a chance to talk soon, and perhaps a good friend will be able to offer some perspective and help clear my mind about all of this. Click here to read more...

The "Other" Historical Moment

Last week Barack Obama secured the Democratic Presidential nomination and a long, arduous campaign came to an end. Part of me was relieved—now we can focus on November and getting our candidate into the Oval Office. But, at the same time, I was rather undone by it all. Obama was in my backyard, a rally in St. Paul, where 17,000 supporters cheered him on and another 15,000 watched from outside, and yet, I felt not a twinge of enthusiasm about any of it. I was deflated, but could not really pinpoint what that was about until I read an article in Monday’s Star Tribune. The commentator insightfully pointed out that “as one momentous hallmark of history was being served up -- the first racial minority in the country to win a major party nomination -- another was tossed out the door.” As a young feminist woman who as a little girl dreamed of seeing a female president in her lifetime, I can’t help but feel a deep sense of loss and frustration. I’ve long admired Hillary Clinton, for her work to create national healthcare as first lady to her leadership in the Senate, especially her efforts confronting the FDA and its delays in approving Plan B’s over-the-counter status, an issue I was particularly close to. As Rep. Alice Hausman, DFL-St. Paul said, "Every time I hear about this 'great historic moment' with Obama, it's like the dagger goes a little deeper. We were longing for this historic moment, too. Some see that history because he's a person of color. But some of us still see a man, and that looks a lot more like more of the same than if it were a woman." I fully intend to support Barack Obama this fall, but admittedly I will be doing so with a bit of a heavy heart and a lot less fervor than I would have had things gone the other way. Click here to read more...

Why "Anecdotal Evidence"?

A friend once asked why I chose this particular title for my blog. The phrase first struck my fancy when I was taking a class in the first semester of my nursing program and we had to complete an online module on alternative medicine. The module took great pains to point out that while there is not a large body of scientific research that speaks to the various modalities' efficacies and mechanisms, there also is not conclusive scientific research on the majority of what is considered "traditional" medicine. I can't recall the exact figures, but somewhere around one-third of routinely performed medical procedures and perscribed medications are actually backed up by hard-core, scientific evidence. And the rest? Well, that is what we call "anecdotal evidence." As I advance more and more into the depths of the medicine, I discover how much we rely on this kind of information, how much is done "because it works." Drugs such as bupropion for smoking cessation and sildenafil for erectile dysfunction were actually discovered anecdotally as they were being studied for other indications (bupropion for depression and sildenafil for pulmonary hypertension.) Don't get me wrong, I am not claiming irresponsible practice on the part of physicians and health care practitioners around the world, I am simply pointing out that while there is so much we don't know, we can still deepen our understanding simply by paying attention and collecting anecdotal evidence.

This blog, is in a way, my own exercise in observation and effort to pay more attention to seemingly insignificant details. What is life but billions of individiual collections of anecdotal evidence? We are shaped by our experiences, our interpretations of those experiences, our observations and the observations of others.

Right now my life doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. But perhaps, through writing, and feedback from readers (if there are any!) I might gain some perspective and begin to see the big picture taking shape.
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Having a "glass half-empty" week

Blech- I have had three glorious days off and now have to go to work tomorrow. I wish I could say I "get" to go to work tomorrow, but alas, right now, it feels like a chore. I've been rather frustrated with my current situation, feeling unsupported by co-workers, uninspired by the manager, yet feeling I am stuck there for lack of experience and better opportunity. Wanting to shut this door, but not going to until I find a window! Click here to read more...

A Renewed Conviction to Write

I recently finished Atul Gawande's "Better". In the last section entitled "Changing Doctors, Changing Outcomes", adapted from a speech Gawande gave to a class of medical students, he expounds on a list of five suggestions "for how one might make a worthy difference, for how one might become, in other words, a positive deviant."

I've been struggling with this lately, this feeling of being merely "a cog in a machine". Hospitals are enormous places, patients come and go, residents rotate out every three months... it is very difficult sometimes to feel as though you are ever making much of an impact on anyone's life.

Although primarily aimed at physicians, I believe Gawande's suggestions can be applied to many professions in health care. And so today I take Gawande's fourth suggestion: "write something." He explains: "by soliciting modest contributions from the many,we have produced a store of collective know-how with far greater power than any individual could have achieved." Thus we improve the system. And, personally, Gawande observes, "writing lets you step back and think through a problem. Even the angriest rant forces the writer to achieve a degree of thoughtfulness." Thus we improve ourselves.

So, after quite a hiatus, here's to a renewed adventure in blogging.

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Living the Onion Life

Does anyone else ever feel like this? Slowly peeling away the layers and crying the whole time? I've been feeling like that today. My childhood home is going to be sold and thus I have been forced to sort through boxes upon boxes of "stuff" that I've stored there all these years. Sometimes this involves the thoughts of "why did I keep this?" And into the recycling it goes. Other times I come across items more apt to evoke emotional responses: poetry from a turbulent adolescence, treasures from travels that I've had no place to put, love letters from before that relationship tragically fell apart. These items tell the story of my life, just like the saying on the side of the Walker says "Bits and pieces put together to present a semblance of a whole." Seeing those objects, reading those words, brought me back to those times in my life. This is my history, and yet, I am faced with the prospect of keeping or tossing. What does one save? How much does sentimental value count? Do I really want to move all this stuff? And so I sat on the office floor, next to the paper shredder, diving deeper into boxes, removing layer after layer, peeling back the memories, deciding what to save, what memories to hang on to, and what to forget and throw away... and tearing up all along the way.

But, perhaps more important than the issue of my boxes of "stuff", is the changing dynamic between me and my mom. As my trip through the 20's comes to a close and I begin to "launch" into a more mature adulthood (as opposed to "young" adulthood) I've realized that up until this point I've thought of my mom as a constant in my life, a refuge of familiarity that I could always count on to be there when life overwhelms me. But this is becoming less true with each passing year. My mom has raised her children and deserves to live her life for herself once again. Of course she should retire, sell the house, get remarried and move out of state. I love her so strongly and want nothing but for her to be happy. After all she's been through she certainly deserves it. And yet, there is an 8-year-old child inside me screaming "NO! what about me??" As much as I rationally want to let her go, somehow, it still hurts. Click here to read more...

Vacation Pictures

It is always a whirlwind when one returns from vacation. Things have finally settled down and I was able to put my pictures together. Click below the fold for the links. Enjoy!

Paris: http://picasaweb.google.com/leslie.s.newman/ParisJanuary2008?authkey=A7lgW5liUIk

Barcelona: http://picasaweb.google.com/leslie.s.newman/BarcelonaJanuary2008?authkey=sYWvA2QOUHQ

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David Sedaris on Living Abroad

I just finished "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris. I am quite sure I attracted more than a few odd looks from nearby Parisiens as I chuckled to myself on the Metro. While I highly recommend reading this novel purely for entertainment value, I also detected a certain wisdom on the appreciation of other culture that is worth noting.

The passage that particularly struck me goes like this:

"Life might be difficult for a while, but I would tough it out because living in a foreign country is one of those things that everyone should try at least once. My understanding was that it completed a person, sanding down the rough provincial edges and transforming you into a citizen of the world."

Having recently revisited the city where I first experienced life in a foreign country, I must say, I completely agree. In fact, I couldn't have said it better myself.
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Traveler's Ten Commandments

As I dive into this new year, the "to-do" list is long, the anticipation and excitement high. When I was doing some cleaning recently, I stumbled upon documents from my first trip to France in 1996 (yes, I know, I keep EVERYTHING!) but I found it rather à propos considering my upcoming return to my adopted country.


Always Travel....

1 .... SLOWLY. Take time to observe nuances and drink in beauty.
2 ....HUMBLY. Visit people and places with reverence and respect for their ways of life.
3 ....LIGHTLY. Don't take anything too seriously; a carefree mind is the beginning of vacation.
4 ....WITH IMAGINATION.
5 ....COURTEOUSLY. The ability to say "thank you" in any language is priceless.
6 ...INTELLIGENTLY. You can be cautious and vigilent and still have a good time. Know where your passport and money are at all times. Be aware of your surroundings. Don't take risks you wouldn't take at home.
7 WITH HUMOR. You are paying good money to have a good time!
8 ....CURIOUSLY. Do not expect to find things as you have them at home. You left home to find things different.
9 .... WITH AN OPEN MIND. Leave your prejudices at home.
10 .... AS A WORLD CITIZEN. You'll discover that people are basically the same the world around. Be an ambassador of good will to all people. Click here to read more...

"Take Me Home"

My family decided to give me a GPS navigational system in honor of my graduation. Intended or not, the symbolism is not "lost" on me. With the help of their love and generosity, I shall never lose my way again; no matter how unfamiliar the terrain, I can always just ask to be "taken home". Quite a fitting gift for this momentous occasion :) Click here to read more...

More than pomp and circumstance

Tomorrow is graduation. I will don cap and gown, hood, honors cord, and tassel with a gold “2007” motif hanging from it. I will walk across the stage, shake hands with the Dean, my advisor, and other notable persons from the School of Nursing and receive my diploma; I will even be “pinned”. After the ceremony, I will drink tea and eat cookies with the faculty, and then I will go out and celebrate with friends and family. And on the last day of the month, I will have officially conferred upon me the degree of Master of Nursing.

But this day is more than a ceremony, more than a ritual I begrudgingly tolerate, more even than the celebration of the completion of a degree program. I have been waiting for this day for much longer than 16 months; in one way or another, I have been waiting for this day for over four years.

Tomorrow’s ceremony will signify not only my graduation, it is my redemption. Tomorrow is the day I choose to be completely freed from my self-imposed captivity of worthlessness and abhorrence, shackled by the ghosts of past failures and foolish choices. Tomorrow I vow to spend more time looking forward with excitement and enthusiasm, rather than longingly, regretfully, looking back over my shoulder and fearfully wondering “what if”. Tomorrow is the day I finally finish something and let myself be proud of me.

Tomorrow is my winter solstice; the day that marks new light and rebirth and the end of the darkness that has ruled my heart and soul for too long; the day anger and agony dissolve away. And so, if I seem a little more wistful than most, or I seem to tear up rather easily, it is because, for me, this graduation is so much more than just pomp and circumstance. Click here to read more...

New Home

Welcome to my new blog! I have just finished moving over my archives, so at least this site will have something on it until I have time for new postings.

I am still undecided what exactly the purpose of this site will be (commentary on current events? political ranting? emotional venting? all of the above?) but in the meantime, I'm learning the ins and outs of this site and navigating my way around. See you soon :)
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The Cave of Timelessness

Painting and Poem by Jane Evershed, socially conscious artist.

In the cave of timelessness

Where the moon comes up

Over the sea,

There lies a great lesson for me...

Back home where every second

Is a plan of action,

And every nano-second

Is broken into fractions...

I can be, the rock in the cave,

Roll my mind into the quiet sea,

Feel and breathe eternity

Held in a moment of bliss.

© Jane Evershed

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Love in permanent hibernation

"And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."
-from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet

Does this ring painfully true with anyone else? I read it a few days ago as I was about to fall asleep and was stopped dead in my tracks (well, figuratively anyways.) I was so struck because I'd experienced exactly what he's talking about.
It wasn't until after the relationship was on its way out the door that I even realized how much Mr. X. had come to mean to me. I suppose there are worse ways for relationships to end, with bitterness, anger, even hatred. But Mr. X. left my life with me loving him, and I still do even today. No, my heart is not pining for him; I don't wallow in sorrow and harbor false hope that he will come back to me, that's not what I'm saying. I'm not even trying to tell you to recognize your love before its too late (though I suppose that would be a good idea.) I've gotten to that point after a break-up when the strong emotions have subdued and yielded to reason and objectivity; what I've come to learn is that love is the strongest and most enduring emotion and it does not have to die even if a relationship ends, it just goes into permanent hibernation. Love cannot be used up; giving to one does not render you unable to give to another. Nor does loving mean wanting. Love can be a powerful antidote to all the negative energy that surrounds a break-up. I like to think I've wrapped Mr. X. up in an ethereal mist of love and tucked him away in a corner of my heart. While he may have been in my life only briefly, I don't negate what we went through and what the experience has taught (and continues to teach) me. I am quite certain that I will be wiser next time around, thanks in part to him. I wish him well and if he reads this, gros bisous, cheri.
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