Vacation Pictures

It is always a whirlwind when one returns from vacation. Things have finally settled down and I was able to put my pictures together. Click below the fold for the links. Enjoy!

Paris: http://picasaweb.google.com/leslie.s.newman/ParisJanuary2008?authkey=A7lgW5liUIk

Barcelona: http://picasaweb.google.com/leslie.s.newman/BarcelonaJanuary2008?authkey=sYWvA2QOUHQ

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David Sedaris on Living Abroad

I just finished "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris. I am quite sure I attracted more than a few odd looks from nearby Parisiens as I chuckled to myself on the Metro. While I highly recommend reading this novel purely for entertainment value, I also detected a certain wisdom on the appreciation of other culture that is worth noting.

The passage that particularly struck me goes like this:

"Life might be difficult for a while, but I would tough it out because living in a foreign country is one of those things that everyone should try at least once. My understanding was that it completed a person, sanding down the rough provincial edges and transforming you into a citizen of the world."

Having recently revisited the city where I first experienced life in a foreign country, I must say, I completely agree. In fact, I couldn't have said it better myself.
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Traveler's Ten Commandments

As I dive into this new year, the "to-do" list is long, the anticipation and excitement high. When I was doing some cleaning recently, I stumbled upon documents from my first trip to France in 1996 (yes, I know, I keep EVERYTHING!) but I found it rather à propos considering my upcoming return to my adopted country.


Always Travel....

1 .... SLOWLY. Take time to observe nuances and drink in beauty.
2 ....HUMBLY. Visit people and places with reverence and respect for their ways of life.
3 ....LIGHTLY. Don't take anything too seriously; a carefree mind is the beginning of vacation.
4 ....WITH IMAGINATION.
5 ....COURTEOUSLY. The ability to say "thank you" in any language is priceless.
6 ...INTELLIGENTLY. You can be cautious and vigilent and still have a good time. Know where your passport and money are at all times. Be aware of your surroundings. Don't take risks you wouldn't take at home.
7 WITH HUMOR. You are paying good money to have a good time!
8 ....CURIOUSLY. Do not expect to find things as you have them at home. You left home to find things different.
9 .... WITH AN OPEN MIND. Leave your prejudices at home.
10 .... AS A WORLD CITIZEN. You'll discover that people are basically the same the world around. Be an ambassador of good will to all people. Click here to read more...

"Take Me Home"

My family decided to give me a GPS navigational system in honor of my graduation. Intended or not, the symbolism is not "lost" on me. With the help of their love and generosity, I shall never lose my way again; no matter how unfamiliar the terrain, I can always just ask to be "taken home". Quite a fitting gift for this momentous occasion :) Click here to read more...

More than pomp and circumstance

Tomorrow is graduation. I will don cap and gown, hood, honors cord, and tassel with a gold “2007” motif hanging from it. I will walk across the stage, shake hands with the Dean, my advisor, and other notable persons from the School of Nursing and receive my diploma; I will even be “pinned”. After the ceremony, I will drink tea and eat cookies with the faculty, and then I will go out and celebrate with friends and family. And on the last day of the month, I will have officially conferred upon me the degree of Master of Nursing.

But this day is more than a ceremony, more than a ritual I begrudgingly tolerate, more even than the celebration of the completion of a degree program. I have been waiting for this day for much longer than 16 months; in one way or another, I have been waiting for this day for over four years.

Tomorrow’s ceremony will signify not only my graduation, it is my redemption. Tomorrow is the day I choose to be completely freed from my self-imposed captivity of worthlessness and abhorrence, shackled by the ghosts of past failures and foolish choices. Tomorrow I vow to spend more time looking forward with excitement and enthusiasm, rather than longingly, regretfully, looking back over my shoulder and fearfully wondering “what if”. Tomorrow is the day I finally finish something and let myself be proud of me.

Tomorrow is my winter solstice; the day that marks new light and rebirth and the end of the darkness that has ruled my heart and soul for too long; the day anger and agony dissolve away. And so, if I seem a little more wistful than most, or I seem to tear up rather easily, it is because, for me, this graduation is so much more than just pomp and circumstance. Click here to read more...

New Home

Welcome to my new blog! I have just finished moving over my archives, so at least this site will have something on it until I have time for new postings.

I am still undecided what exactly the purpose of this site will be (commentary on current events? political ranting? emotional venting? all of the above?) but in the meantime, I'm learning the ins and outs of this site and navigating my way around. See you soon :)
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The Cave of Timelessness

Painting and Poem by Jane Evershed, socially conscious artist.

In the cave of timelessness

Where the moon comes up

Over the sea,

There lies a great lesson for me...

Back home where every second

Is a plan of action,

And every nano-second

Is broken into fractions...

I can be, the rock in the cave,

Roll my mind into the quiet sea,

Feel and breathe eternity

Held in a moment of bliss.

© Jane Evershed

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Love in permanent hibernation

"And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."
-from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet

Does this ring painfully true with anyone else? I read it a few days ago as I was about to fall asleep and was stopped dead in my tracks (well, figuratively anyways.) I was so struck because I'd experienced exactly what he's talking about.
It wasn't until after the relationship was on its way out the door that I even realized how much Mr. X. had come to mean to me. I suppose there are worse ways for relationships to end, with bitterness, anger, even hatred. But Mr. X. left my life with me loving him, and I still do even today. No, my heart is not pining for him; I don't wallow in sorrow and harbor false hope that he will come back to me, that's not what I'm saying. I'm not even trying to tell you to recognize your love before its too late (though I suppose that would be a good idea.) I've gotten to that point after a break-up when the strong emotions have subdued and yielded to reason and objectivity; what I've come to learn is that love is the strongest and most enduring emotion and it does not have to die even if a relationship ends, it just goes into permanent hibernation. Love cannot be used up; giving to one does not render you unable to give to another. Nor does loving mean wanting. Love can be a powerful antidote to all the negative energy that surrounds a break-up. I like to think I've wrapped Mr. X. up in an ethereal mist of love and tucked him away in a corner of my heart. While he may have been in my life only briefly, I don't negate what we went through and what the experience has taught (and continues to teach) me. I am quite certain that I will be wiser next time around, thanks in part to him. I wish him well and if he reads this, gros bisous, cheri.
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One Minute Poem

My attempt at quick poetry.
I looked down and wrote about what I saw :)

A Reflection on Breasts

Orbs of flesh hanging from my chest
In their lopsided regalia

Commanding, beautiful, sensuous
Annoying

Coming out when they should not
Getting in the way

Inducing lust unwanted
Announcing their frigidity

Why such ridiculous attention?
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First Kisses

This is the one of best descriptions of first kisses that I've ever heard. I know, I know, I'm such a hopeless romantic!

"For a kiss to be really good, it has to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so when your lips finally meet, you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss- trust me, you don't want to. Because when you find that right person, the first kiss is everything." Click here to read more...

A Poem by Dennis O'Driscoll

I saw this poet speak at Macalaster College recently; I'm not a poetry aficionado by any stretch of the imagination, but hearing a poet read their work really brings it to life. Here is one of my favorites that I found online (I didn't have the money to buy the book at the time, so the poem that I really liked I couldn't find!)

Missing God
by Dennis O'Driscoll

His grace is no longer called for
before meals: farmed fish multiply
without His intercession.
Bread production rises through
disease-resistant grains devised
scientifically to mitigate His faults.

Yet, though we rebelled against Him
like adolescents, uplifted to see
an oppressive father banished -
a bearded hermit - to the desert,
we confess to missing Him at times.

Miss Him during the civil wedding
when, at the blossomy altar
of the registrar's desk, we wait in vain
to be fed a line containing words
like "everlasting" and "divine".

Miss Him when the TV scientist
explains the cosmos through equations,
leaving our planet to revolve on its axis
aimlessly, a wheel skidding in snow.

Miss Him when the radio catches a snatch
of plainchant from some echoey priory;
when the gospel choir raises its collective voice
to ask Shall We Gather at the River?
or the forces of the oratorio converge
on I Know That My Redeemer Liveth
and our contracted hearts lose a beat.

Miss Him when a choked voice at
the crematorium recites the poem
about fearing no more the heat of the sun.

Miss Him when we stand in judgement
on a lank Crucifixion in an art museum,
its stripe-like ribs testifying to rank.

Miss Him when the gamma-rays
recorded on the satellite graph
seem arranged into a celestial score,
the music of the spheres,
the Ave Verum Corpus of the observatory lab.

Miss Him when we stumble on the breast lump
for the first time and an involuntary prayer
escapes our lips; when a shadow crosses
our bodies on an x-ray screen; when we receive
a transfusion of foaming blood
sacrificed anonymously to save life.

Miss Him when we call out His name
spontaneously in awe or anger
as a woman in the birth ward
calls to her long-dead mother.

Miss Him when the linen-covered
dining table holds warm bread rolls,
shiny glasses of red wine.

Miss Him when a dove swoops
from the orange grove in a tourist village
just as the monastery bell begins to take its toll.

Miss Him when our journey leads us
under leaves of Gothic tracery,
an arch of overlapping branches that meet
like hands in Michelangelo's creation.

Miss Him when, trudging past a church,
we catch a residual blast of incense,
a perfume on par with the fresh-baked loaf
which Milosz compared to happiness.

Miss Him when our newly-fitted kitchen
comes in Shaker-style and we order
a matching set of Mother Ann Lee chairs.

Miss Him when we listen to the prophecy
of astronomers that the visible galaxies
will recede as the universe expands.

Miss Him when the sunset makes
its presence felt in the stained glass
window of the fake antique lounge bar.

Miss Him the way an uncoupled glider
riding the evening thermals misses its tug.

Miss Him, as the lovers shrugging
shoulders outside the cheap hotel
ponder what their next move should be.

Even feel nostalgic, odd days,
for His Second Coming,
like standing in the brick
dome of a dovecote
after the birds have flown.

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Moving On

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." -Helen Keller.

I've been thinking about this quote recently. How incredibly easy it is to get so wrapped up in our failures, our broken hearts, dashed dreams, and deflated hopes, etc, that we can't see the wide open pastures right in front of us. I don't know if I'd say that I subscribe to the notion that "everything happens for a reason" (I think it sounds like one of those things people say when they don't know what else to say and they are trying [in vain] to cheer you up) but I do firmly believe that while we cannot control what happens to us, we can control how we react to it.

Yes, my heart was broken. Yes, I cried. A lot. I cursed him. I was angry. I wanted to break things. The wind and rage howled through my heart, violent tears rained down my face and my whole body shook with what seemed like flashes of lightening and thunder in my core. There were a few wild nights in my world. But just as the storms that Mother Nature bestows upon our physical Earth eventually lose strength and blow through, so too has this storm inside begun to pass. The diligence of good friends, the company of beloved furry critters, and the healing power of fresh air, sunshine and yoga have all helped to pull me through.

Rain washes the earth and is necessary to sustain life, and without it there would be no rainbows. One day soon I will find I have come through this stronger and better off than I was before, this chapter will close and I will begin anew writing the next.

This summer has been an entirely unexpected unfortunate series of events, and now more than ever before I await my favorite season of autumn with anticipation and hope for renewal.

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The Power of Self-Delusion

I just realized that I knew a month ago that things with Mr. X. were already over. But I wanted so very much for things to work out that I talked myself back into it. Funny how we can convince ourselves of anything and become completely blind to what is staring us in the face if we want it strongly enough. Previous journal entry:

July 8, 2007 10:30 pm:

I am at such an utter loss. I, who over-thinks absolutely EVERYTHING, am at a loss. For words. For emotions. For ideas, reasons, rationalizations, suggestions, energy to even contemplate any of this anymore. What to do? What to feel? I am paralyzed. Should I be mad? Hurt? Do I even have the right to be? Am I missing something? Maybe there's some simple explanation for all of this. But why do I feel so betrayed? Maybe because I betrayed myself. Letting my guard down, letting myself dream again, hope that maybe this time it would work out. Offering my heart, only to have it quietly- politely- declined; so well done, in fact, I didn't even notice the refusal at first. Am I wrong? But it seems to me that you checked out of this a long time ago. Maybe you were never even in it. But I was. You see, I'm ham, you're eggs.
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The End

So dear cyberspace friends, the saga with Mr. X. is officially over. As quickly as he came into my life and captivated me with his beautiful blue eyes, his sweet and gentle nature, his loving caress, his intellect and witty charm; he is now gone.

All that is left is a gaping hole in my heart and memories of the future I'd imagined with him that now stands no chance of ever coming to fruition.

I try to remind myself that I am strong, that life goes on, that I still have a lot to enjoy, to be proud of, to look forward to. But somehow, none of that really means very much anymore. He breathed life into my life in a way that no one had before. What was once in vibrant color and high-definition, is now broadcast on 13" black and white with bad reception.

How do you make yourself un-love someone? I don't even know if that's possible, but it seems like the only way I will get past this. Because living knowing that someone I love is not a part of my life is unbearable. I've become a teeth-grinder again. I can't sleep. Tears well up in my eyes at the tiniest reminder or thought of him, and often at very inopportune moments. I push my body to its limits to bike farther, harder, longer, as though putting on more miles on two wheels will help my heart to escape his hold on me.

And so it is.
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Letter to Mr. X.

Don't worry about me kids, I'm OK. Needing closure, finality, I sent this letter to Mr. X.:

My dearest Mr. X.,

I suppose you are probably surprised to be hearing from me so soon, and via such an unconventional method (snail mail?!?! What’s that?) I just have some things I wanted to say to you that I don’t think I could articulate over the phone or in person. More than anything I want you do know how much I do still care about you. I understand that what you’re going through is critically important for you right now- how could I be angry with you for taking care of yourself? I am angry with the gods, angry at fate, angry at the wind- that somehow being with me was the trigger that sent you down your path of self-discovery- but I cannot be angry with you.

A few things I’ve learned that might come in useful: Make a conscious decision to take this time for yourself, make a sincere commitment to work at it. Allow yourself to be selfish without guilt. Re-evaluate frequently. Don’t be afraid to examine everything about your life closely. Be genuinely honest with yourself, anything less and you’ll only be cheating yourself. Find what gives your life meaning and never compromise it for anyone. Write prolifically, it can help sort things out. If nothing else, it often makes you feel better. Search out new experiences. Do what you love on a regular basis. Sleep. Eat well. Exercise. Taking care of your body takes care of your soul. And, take chances, you might be surprised.

And don’t worry about me. A part of my heart will always belong to you, but it’s the size of Mt. Vesuvius, so but that’s ok. Take comfort in knowing that “The fact that something ends does not negate the time spent together.” Perhaps with time and contemplation, we will come to see that something good did come of this time our lives spent coursing the same path. Click here to read more...