On Turning 30

As I prepare to blow out thirty candles on my birthday cake later today, I am re-reading a Carolyn Hax advice column about this milestone birthday that I cut out years ago. The reader writes:

"I'm turning 30 today. So far I've cried four or five times... all before noon. Just about every time someone says 'Happy Birthday' I get all cringy inside and try to smile. I lose the smile when they start making age jokes, 'Only 21 today, right?!??! ha ha ha' (Is screaming allowed?)

I want to be happy, I want to see this as a great new beginning... but what about all those things I though I'd have accomplished by now? Does no one care that I'm disapponted in where I am in my life at this point? (i.e., single, OK but low-paying job, no degree.) Is this normal or am I overreacting to this milestone birthday?"

Carolyn says: You are overreacting to this milestone birthday. Of course people care, but this is "Whee, cake," not "Tell me about your childhood." Besides, as a measure of achievement, age is strictly artificial.

Disappointment in yourself, though, is ageless, and you're not overreacting to that. Whether you're 13 or 103, letting yourself down can feel like one of the hardest bad moods to shake.

Practically, though, it's one of the easiest, because it's all on you. Don't have a degree? Get thee to night school. Don't like your job? Ask for new responsibilities, or update your resume, or see above about night school. Want people to care about you? Show you care about yourself by doing something about where you are in your life-- besides cringing.

Single? Irrelevant. Staying happily married is a feat, I suppose, but getting married in itself is no accomplishment. Making good decisions, dealing with bad ones, resisting outside pressure, moving at your own speed, overcoming fear, growing up, facing your faults-- these are accomplishments. If they find you married, so be it. If they find you single, so be it.

And just as age is no mark of worth, birthdays are no measure of beginnings (or middles or ends). Your beginning will be the day you take on your malaise. "Now" has a ring to it, no?

I originally cut this out before I even really understood most of what Carolyn wrote about. Through the years, I've turned to it as a sort of tangible "reality check". The part about being single is especially helpful, given I've been in and out of my share of relationships, never failing to be disappointed and hurt. It helps to be reminded that the simple act of getting married is not the accomplishment, rather it is the building and maintaining of a relationship that endures that is to be celebrated. It also helps to be reminded that in the grand scheme of things, there is no "done"; we are always evolving, changing, growing, learning, etc. Saying to ourselves, "I'll be happier when..." or "my life will be better when..." not only puts undue pressure on us but also robs us of enjoying the life that is happening in the present. As someone once said to me "Life always shows up"; in other words, if you're waiting for life to begin after you finish your degree/get married/get divorced/lose those extra pounds/buy a house-- something else will come along that will get in your way. Happiness can be an attitude that you can slip in and out of without any impetus at all except your own will; rather than waiting for a reason to be happy, choose to be happy and the reasons will follow. Click here to read more...

Crisis

I am smoking a cigarette for the first time in years.

I never smoke. At least that's what I tell people. In reality, I usually never smoke. Except when something is terribly wrong inside and I'm falling apart.

If I could only figure out what it was. And then, how to make it right.


I have anxiety I have never known. I feel like a ball of nervous energy. I feel an emptiness so profound it is almost tangible.

To the casual observer I am the picture of mental health. But when I inventory my scattered mind, I find more fault than attribute and I wonder what's the point of it all?
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"Rejected", and yet ok with that

I have been insanely crushing on a particular yoga instructor for the past several weeks. I make every effort to attend every class he teaches and almost always spend 10-15 min afterwards "chatting him up". Last week, I mustered up the courage to ask him out. The response I received was highly non-commital, which annoyed the heck out of me, but allowed the hope to continue. He didn't show up at the event I'd invited him to, but considering I'd told him about it just the day before, I could rationalize that he was already busy, and thus allow the hope to continue. I finagled his phone number out of another instructor and called him last Friday. I left him a voicemail and he actually called me back and left me a voicemail. You'd think I'd discovered gold being as excited as I was! I have much too much experience with what I like to call the "Johhny-No-Calls" of this world. But when I saw him after Monday's class, chatted him up again, tried to make plans for later in the week, he still didn't take the bait. I began to wonder: Was he really that oblivious to my intentions? Did I need bring a two-by-four to class that says "do you want to go on a date with me?" in large block letters? I was trying not to be quite so overt. Or was he completely aware of my intentions and just not interested? Or, perhaps, already "taken" and failing to kindly drop "my girlfriend" into the conversation and give me a clue? I was growing quite weary of this internal conflict and the resulting anxiety. I hated feeling this vulnerable and I was becoming nearly morose over it.

I went to his class again today determined to make some headway in the situation, for better or for worse. It was a fantastic yoga class, as usual, and afterwards we kept each other company on the stair step machines for a good half hour. He is so easy to talk to, sweet, kind, caring and considerate. While we were sweating away I casually asked about his weekend plans, how's his week look, etc. No bite. Finally when we were wrapping up the workout and heading to our respective locker rooms, I got out the 2x4: "So, can I call you tomorrow and see if Friday might work to get together?" That's when it came out "Well, there's this girl I'm seeing..." Disappointed doesn't begin to cover it.

While this experience didn't yield the results I was hoping for (a date) after some processing, I am still finding much good in it. First, I actually somehow found the guts to ask a guy out that I was interested in. I was persistant and creative and allowed myself to be vulnerable. That in itself is something to celebrate. Second, when I found out he was dating someone else, I allowed myself to feel the loss and be sad about it. I gave myself permission to grieve and know that there is no shame in being disappointed. Lastly, what I lost in a potential date, I gain in a burgeoning friendship. Everything that initially attracted me to him is still there, I just have to accept it in a different form. I would be an idiot to write him off just because he's not "available", I think there's too much value in him as a person to do that. I can always use more friends, and who knows, maybe he has a friend who is single! Click here to read more...

Homeleaving: Dealing with Loss & Learning to Live Alone

To begin, a poem from Dennis O'Driscoll:

HOME

when all is said and done
what counts is having someone
you can phone at five to ask

for the immersion heater
to be switched to 'bath'
and the pizza taken from the deepfreeze


I am 29 1/2 years old and have been living alone, truly alone, for exactly two days. My mom got married on Saturday and left Sunday to move to her new husband's home in the state of Mississippi. Up until this point in my life I have always lived with either family or roommates. Now it is just me and my kitty in my little apartment in the big city.

All of these changes have gotten me to wonder what the notion of 'home' really is anyways. Is home a place? A physical building? I suppose this is partly so, after all don't we always feel a bit discombobulated when moving to a new dwelling? But, don't we then adapt after a while? And what about when we return to a place that was home, and though it is still familiar, it now feels distinctly different? When we have changed yet 'home' has stayed the same and we are now somehow alienated? No, 'home' cannot be a place. Is 'home' then, a person? This notion certainly has merit, for haven't we all felt that feeling where you haven't arrived 'home' yet from a long journey until you have seen and held a particular person? Or when you are in a place completely foreign to you, yet feel suprisingly comfortable and 'at home' because a certain person is with you? That's how I always felt about my mom. But if this is how we define 'home', then my home just left me.

Perhaps then, 'home' is something entirely less tangible. Being understood? A sense of purpose? Feeling loved? Or a combination of all of these? I suppose it will be a while before I know... Click here to read more...

Infuriating, Stupid BOYS!

I have recently thrown myself back into the deep end of the "dating pool". I set up an eHarmony account last October and have slowly eased into the process. Until only recently I had not come across anyone I was even remotely interested in dating. About two weeks ago, however, I reviewed a rather promising profile. He was intelligent, funny, educated, interesting, kind of nerdy (which I like) and he accepted my invitation to "Fast Track" (i.e. skipping the exchanging of pre-fab multiple choice questions and "must have can't stand" lists). We wrote back and forth for a while and I asked him how he would like to proceed with this exchange. He promptly replied with his phone number. So I called him. We spoke on the phone for over 2 hours, which, in my experience, is quite rare for most guys. Towards the end of the conversation he very nervously asked me if I'd like to meet in person for coffee or a drink. I accepted and we made plans for a couple of days later.

We met at the arranged time (except I was late) and proceeded to have (what I perceived anyways) as a very pleasurable afternoon. The conversation flowed easily, I found him ever more interesting, there was a bit of a spark of some chemistry happening... all very good things. I enjoyed his company so much that I invited him to join me and my friends at a happy hour later that week; an invitation that he accepted. Hence my shock when the next day the following showed up in my inbox:

Leslie, Thanks for your email. I was having a hard time last night b/c, though I think you're a smart, attractive, great person, I don't feel that we are a good fit. I'm sorry for telling you this over email, but it's just easier. I wish you the best in your search. Sincerely, Jake

The gall of him! I was infuriated! Not that he isn't interested, but that he led me on and lied to me. I understand that rejection is a part of the dating world, it just isn't going to work any other way. I get that. But why accept an invitation only to back out of it the next day? The following is the email I felt like sending (but, on the counsel of my mom and good friends, didn't!)

Wow, I'm really surprised to read this considering you had accepted a second date. If you didn’t want to go you should’ve just declined because now I feel incredibly mislead. In the future, I’d recommend honesty upfront, lest you contribute to your gender’s stereotypical bad reputation. Thank you at least for doing me the favor of showing me what a ball-less creep you are this early on before I’d wasted any more of my time on you. And yes, it was really lame of you to tell me this over email, you spineless twit. I’d say good luck to you too, but I’m not really feeling that generous towards you anymore. I hope you choke on the coffee I gave you.

I talked with my friend's boyfriend about this "bad male behavior", and while he was able to empathize with the dirtbag and could somewhat explain his possible motives, I'm still lost. Why do most people have such a hard time being honest with each other (and themselves?) Is it really that hard to just say no instead of feigning interest and making promises that you have no intention of keeping? I am so frustrated right now...
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"So Nice, So Smart"

I've been listening to Kimya Dawson's song "So Nice, So Smart" . There is a line in this piece that has always struck me: "You’re so nice and you’re so smart; you’re such a good friend I have to break your heart. I’ll tell you that ‘I love you’ then I’ll tear your world apart, just pretend I didn’t tear your world apart." On good days, I spend my waking hours with forgiveness and understanding in my heart over having someone I was madly in love with leave me and marry another woman less than six months later. Then on days like today, when I'm feeling lonely and alone, I hear a song like this when I'm on the treadmill at the gym and I want to break down in tears. When I think about what happened, those words could have been spoken by him just as easily as they were sung by Ms. Dawson. He did break my heart and tear my world apart, he told me he loved me after he tore it apart, and yet I still spend time with him. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just torturing myself staying in contact with him. And sometimes I can't imagine my life without him, even though he is someone else's husband and his friendship seems like nothing more than a consolation prize. Click here to read more...