Shannon Olson's "Bunny Theory" of Dating

One of my favorite books of recent past has been Shannon Olson's "Children of God Go Bowling." It is a perfect read for the late-twenties to thirtysomething-ish female who is besieged by reminders that her life is anything but normal. When it seems like everyone around is blossoming in marital bliss, owns a home, is having babies, blah blah blah, and yet in this march to adulthood, somehow you've been left behind... It is truly a hilarious and heartbreaking story of a semifictional woman (part autobiography) making "her life happen when it doesn't quite happen for her."

This particular passage came to mind last night when I was reflecting on recent problematic events in my own dating life:


I called my brother and told him about my date. Even though my brother had been married for almost ten years, he was still usually good about offering reassuring stories from what he called his "Frozen Burrito Days."

"I don't know," my brother said. "My experience of dating was that women were usually really timid and cautious.... and that the best thing to do was to back off a little and let them set the pace."

He called it his "Bunny Theory." Not all, but a lot of women were like rabbits: nervous because they had so often and so aggressively been pursued; and the best thing to do was to set the carrot in the grass and wait quietly. If they were interested, they'd come and check it out.

"I guess as an image that could be misinterpreted," he said.

"Right," I said. "But I get it."

Anyways, it seemed to him that instead of being patient, most guys would see the bunny in the grass and go, "BUNNY!" and start chasing after it, which was the cause of the whole problem in the first place.

"So, I just need to find the guy who won't shout 'BUNNY!,'" I said.

"It's a theory," said my brother.

Identifying details aside-- someone absolutely incredible has come into my life recently and I couldn't be more excited. We'll call him Mr. X. So, what's the problem?!? My damn overeagerness. I haven't seriously dated anyone in a while, mostly by choice (school, volunteering, work, family, etc = lack of time), partly because I wasn't finding anyone I actually wanted to date who felt the same way towards me. So when Mr. X and I hit it off (like "rocket blast-off" style hit it off!) I latched on like gorilla glue and immediately hit the fast-forward button to infinity. All of a sudden it was if we'd been together 6 months when technically we were still on date #3 (or #4?) Granted I wasn't alone in this venture (it does take two to tango, after all!) but I feel a lot of fault. I recognized what was happening and did nothing to stop it because I was loving every second of it. I figured that he must be OK since he was right there in it with me.

But, he wasn't OK. I found out after the fact that while I was surfing on that tidal wave of "new-relationship bliss," turns out Mr. X is still kind of doggie-paddling in a way, trying to get the hang of it. I was so far gone, I didn't even notice. And for that, Mr. X, from the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry.

What have I learned from all of this? More than anything , my impatient nature has been confirmed (just in case I'd missed that about myself!!) But now I've seen more than just the fact that I am impatient, now I recognize just how destructive it can be. Secondly, I've learned that it isn't just women who can be like Shannon Olson's "bunnies." When it comes to dating, I bet there are just as many guys out there who get scared off by women as there are the other way around. We'd probably all be better off being patient with those we adore.

And since patience doesn't come naturally to some (i.e. moi!) taking up a new hobby may be helpful. Personally, I've started home coffee bean roasting as a distraction :) Yes, I am now an official coffee snob. So, when Mr. X. comes "hopping out of the grass" so to speak, I'll have a kick-ass cup of joe waiting for him. More on that later....