As if Eric and Jennifer being together wasn't the cause of enough heartache (see previous entry, "Of Love and Consternation"), adding to our (Eric's and mine) already strained friendship is the news that they are getting married. In five weeks. Fuck, I certainly was not prepared for that. Any inkling of happiness I may have been able to muster for them over the course of months is overpowered by this stabbing pain shooting through my heart. I am relatively certain that had I had the time to adjust to their being together, to meet Jennifer slowly and "get used to" her being a part of Eric's life, that I could have come to terms with these new circumstances. Their choosing to get married on August 15th robs me of that option. It robs me of the ability to get through this slowly, to take care of my heart and listen to my feelings along the way, and go step-by-baby step. I feel forced into making a decision I never wanted to have to make. He's asked for my mailing address so I am fairly certain an invitation will be arriving shortly in my "real" mail in-box. What on Earth am I to do? Set aside my feelings and go anyways, knowing there is a good chance my heart will be breaking the entire time? Or risk ostracizing myself and not show up to save my own sanity? Weddings are celebrations, but what would I be celebrating? The fact that less than six months after we broke up, he's walking down the aisle with another woman? I find it very difficult to celebrate an event that feels like tangible reminder of how very little I ever meant to Eric romantically. I am literally in an emotional tail spin over this, and I just wish I knew what to do.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
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