Becoming Unshamed

While being able to say "I was raped" is a gigantic feat and one to be recognized and even celebrated, perhaps even more important is that I have begun to unravel the tangle of damage that was done to my psyche as a result of it. Was the rape the cause of my emotional damage, or was it a symptom of a deeper problem? It is fascinating and heartbreaking how the tiny seed of that one night has become a powerful vine that has wrapped its way around my heart and spirit almost entirely.

An unwanted precedent was set when I was raped. From that moment forward, I believed (mostly unconsciously) that my body was something to be used, both by myself and others. Did I believe this before the rape, and thus "allowed" Ed to violate me? Possibly. I've never been entirely comfortable in my own skin, never quite knew what to do with my physical self.

I've had much too much sex that I did not want to have (and that wasn't even that good) that I've dug myself into a very deep hole of shame. Somewhere along the way I unlearned how to relate to men in a healthy, mutually respectful way, in a manner where sex and "sexual tension" were not part of the equation. Every relationship I've ever had somehow or another eventually came to revolve around sex. Whether it was the fiery love affair that I tried to turn into an actual relationship, the tepid romance that I hung onto too long because the sex was pretty decent, or the incident in the Caribbean involving a guy I know only as "Island Boy", somehow sex was the main ingredient every time. Even relationships I have with men that are not lovers- coworkers, friends, bosses- often carry an inappropriate air of sexuality.

This all changed with one amazing guy that I met in July 2006. For the first time I knew in my heart that this man wanted me for me, and that whether or not we had sex when we were together did not dictate if we had a good time or not. We loved each other's minds, the cerebral discourse we had, our goofiness, the fact that we understood each other's dreams, hopes, fears and could share our hearts with each other-- we were lovers on a level deeper than anywhere I'd ever been before. For reasons outside the scope of this post, we broke up last February, but have been able to keep in touch. He said to me not too long ago when we met up for coffee that "the sex was fantastic, but it was secondary."

This man taught me a tremendous lesson for which I am grateful. He taught me that I have value as a human being above and beyond sex and sexuality. I am a good person worthy of love because of who I am, not because I am willing to go to bed. Recognizing this is only one step in the long process of becoming unshamed, and the challenge as I go forth in my journey searching for a partner will be to keep this lesson in the forefront of my mind. When I feel insecure or unsure of myself, my first instinct is to use my sexuality. It will be difficult to learn new tools to use when relating to men, but I want to do it differently. Practice makes perfect?