Hanging in the Balance

So I realize I never really followed up with the "Saga of Mr. X" that I started a while back. What can I say? It's been a busy summer. Full-time school compounded with my accident and subsequent surgery and follow-up doc visits and hand therapy- it has not been a time conducive to blogging.

And unfortunately, the second episode of this may very well be the last. After three months of pretty amazingly good times, my future with Mr. X. hangs in the balance.

He called me yesterday afternoon, obviously with something on his mind, yet we ignored the elephant in the living room with small talk for a few minutes. His mum had been in town visiting, I'd had my birthday party pub crawl last Friday, so chit-chat away we went. And then, bluntly, he said "I've had a few things on my mind." "Oh?" I queried. "So, um, what are you thinking about us?" Oh boy. That kind of question never means good things. So we talked a bit. I asked for clarification, he told me how he's been thinking about how we don't seem to share very much in common (an opinion I'd argue actually, but that's not the point) and then he laid down the clincher "I'm not so sure I'm ready for a relationship." Ouch.

Hurt, angry, disappointed, sad. Yes, I select answer "E", all of the above. But, more than anything, I feel more than a little deceived. An odd thing to feel, I know, but it occurred to me while I was biking home this afternoon. I'd been feeling ill at ease ever since this terrible conversation, but I couldn't really put a finger on it. Yes, I've fully invested myself in this relationship and I would most definitely suffer a loss if it ended, but as much as I would hate it, I'm a resilient gal and life would go on, albeit a little less contentedly for a while. I've done it before, I could do it again. That's not it. It's the deception that I don't know how to deal with.

You see, I've dated guys who've told me they're "not ready for a relationship", and while I could post a whole separate entry about the soundness of that sentiment, that isn't the point either. Whether it was after one date, a few dates, or a few months, hearing this line is a blow that one can never protect against. I was actually grateful to the one who said it to me the soonest, because at least I hadn't gone and completely fell for him yet.

But, I like to think I'm a smart girl, and that I've learned from my past broken hearts so that now I ask. Fairly early on Mr. X and I had the ever-important "exes" conversation. I told him that I'd been engaged at one point, that I'm on friendly terms with another one of my exes, he told me about his ex-girlfriends, especially notable that he'd recently (5 months ago) broken up with a girl he'd dated for 6 years and had lived with for around 3 of those years. Yikes! I thought. So I asked, in a more eloquent manner of course, "So, are you really over her?" He assured me he was. Later on after a little bump in the road, again I asked. I checked in a few times after that. I made very clear that if he had any questions, issues, doubts, that I was there for him, that I wanted to hear them, that it was better to bring things up early before they become major issues, etc. After getting the same affirmative "I'm ok, things are good" type answers, I stopped checking in. I didn't want to seem insecure, be that annoying girlfriend, always wanting to "talk about us." I started to gain a little more trust, I thought it was "safe" to look ahead, to make plans, I thought we were on a little more solid ground. I thought I had done everything I could to prevent exactly what has now fallen in my lap.

And, aside from open and honest conversations that I thought we had had, the manner in which we met also provided me a certain sense of security, which unfortunately turned out to be false. We connected through an online dating website. Perhaps this is naïve on my part, but I always thought that before one puts up a profile on those websites you would have already gone through a sort of honest conversation with yourself and have come to the conclusion that you are indeed ready for a sincere and candid search for a meaningful relationship, not just a few dates. Isn't anything less kind of false advertising?

In the end, this isn't about placing blame, because as with everything, I am 100% responsible, but so is he. It may even not be about "saving" this relationship. Blogging is for me, in a way, therapeutic, a place to express myself in hopes of working through my feelings, gaining a little insight, and with any luck, doing better next time.

For now, here I sit, waiting in the balance, avoiding finishing the conversation that we started yesterday. I was (am, technically) in the midst of final exams so I kind of used that as an excuse to postpone this chat. But perhaps more than needing to concentrate and study, I just want to hang on to this shred of hope a little longer, to pray that maybe, just maybe, this impending conversation will actually be a discussion or a negotiation, not simply Mr. X. informing me of what he has already decided on his own.

I can't bear to deal with another broken heart just yet…