The Power of Self-Delusion

I just realized that I knew a month ago that things with Mr. X. were already over. But I wanted so very much for things to work out that I talked myself back into it. Funny how we can convince ourselves of anything and become completely blind to what is staring us in the face if we want it strongly enough. Previous journal entry:

July 8, 2007 10:30 pm:

I am at such an utter loss. I, who over-thinks absolutely EVERYTHING, am at a loss. For words. For emotions. For ideas, reasons, rationalizations, suggestions, energy to even contemplate any of this anymore. What to do? What to feel? I am paralyzed. Should I be mad? Hurt? Do I even have the right to be? Am I missing something? Maybe there's some simple explanation for all of this. But why do I feel so betrayed? Maybe because I betrayed myself. Letting my guard down, letting myself dream again, hope that maybe this time it would work out. Offering my heart, only to have it quietly- politely- declined; so well done, in fact, I didn't even notice the refusal at first. Am I wrong? But it seems to me that you checked out of this a long time ago. Maybe you were never even in it. But I was. You see, I'm ham, you're eggs.